How To Be Okay Not “Living Up” to your Thirties

At thirty-six years old, it’s been hard to look in the mirror at times when what stares back at me most closely resembles the character Lynn from the show Girlfriends, than any one of Joan, Maya, or Toni. More than that, I look nothing like the composite woman in my head made up of all three that thought I would be at this age.

This seems like a problem, I know. In any other universe besides my own, I could see how it would look that way. But in my universe, it’s okay not to be married, not to have children, not to have a house, and not to be into at least a ten-year career doing something related to the degrees I purchased. Excuse me, the degrees I earned.

I say this not because there’s anything wrong with having all or any of these things in my universe, but because somewhere in my DNA—ignoring my social programming of course—I’m coded not to consider any of those things as necessities. I haven’t always accepted that though, and as a result, I’ve spent a large portion of my life feeling like I was failing as a person, woman, and member of humanity—the segment living in the United States to be exact.

I wanted the marriage, children, house, and career, but it was because I was “supposed” to want them (i.e., social programming). At the same time, I’ve never felt strongly compelled to go after any of it.

This has been my internal conflict.

My internal dialogue going something like this:

Me: “None of that shit defines me.”

Also me: “But wait, I’m a loser. I’m still out here trying to find my purpose and figure out what I should be doing?”

Me again: “Look, it’s time to grow up and get some stability.”

Also me again: “Stability? What is that anyway? I don’t want to be in that box.”

Outside of my own head, while my friends are doing well, advancing in their careers and annual salaries, going on exotic vacations, and buying nice things, I’ve been stuck with too many ideas to count, too many dreams to keep up with, yet too many bad habits and undisciplined behavior for them mean much.

The truth is I’ve never been compelled to go after the conventional things because I’ve always been more concerned with figuring out who I am as an individual. Figuring out who I am have always seemed like the prerequisite for marriage, children, a house, and career having real meaning.

Finally, a few months ago a lot of this conflict started to dissolve because I did one key thing: I accepted what was true about me.

  • I only wanted the conventional things because society said that’s what I should want and because obtaining them would validate me.
  • I mostly want to discover the fullness of who I am, and at age 36 I’m still in the process.
  • I’ve been undisciplined and developed bad habits which have stood in the way of me even attempting to fulfill my dreams.
  • It’s okay to stop judging myself about these things.

This brings me to today. I’m coming off of sixty straight days of writing. As someone who calls herself a writer, before December 25th, 2018, I had done about as much writing as I had done exercising the last two years (not very much but I’m getting that together too).

I decided to engage in daily writing because I knew I had to build my writing muscle and develop real discipline. I had to build my confidence as a writer again after losing it in graduate school. I also had to dump some of the emotional baggage so that I could write from a place of giving (vulnerability) versus a place of need. I recently learned that you don’t get what you need; you get what you give. I want to be free. I want to be fully me. And I want to live my dream.

Writing is one part of my dream. Being a creator, educator, and someone who speaks to add value to people is the other part. This is why cubicles, daily rush hour traffic, and religiously thanking God it was Friday hasn’t worked for me. I’m not sure the working life works for anyone who feels like they’re taking just a little bit longer than everyone else to “get it together.” It’s usually a mix between figuring out how to turn our passion into the profit we need to do more of our passion, and developing the discipline and courage to take one step forward every single day until we manifest what we have inside.

I did three things in the last ten months that has changed my reality.

  • I paid $395 for help on my resume/cv to get into the education field as a college adjunct professor.
  • I hired a professional speaking coach.
  • I committed myself to write every day for sixty straight days.

The investments have manifested into me getting an adjunct position at a local university teaching writing, increased comfort and confidence speaking in front of people (I used to be terrified), and writing my very first blog post (you’re reading it right now in case you were wondering).

In my universe, where I’m at my best when doing what feels native to me, these accomplishments have been life-altering. Considering that I was working at a small retirement plan services company ten months ago, frustrated and confused as ever, now having the opportunity to impact the lives of young people and their ability to express themselves feels like I’m where I’m supposed to be.

It just took getting clear, disciplined, courageous, and being willing to keep taking steps forward every day.

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    answer from the Bible:
    God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory. (1 Timothy 3:16).

    Why?
    Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us. (Matthew 1:23)
    For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)
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    And this rumour of him went forth throughout all Judaea, and throughout all the region round about.(Luke 7:16,17)
    And he that seeth Me seeth Him that sent Me. (John 12:45)
    he that receiveth Me receiveth Him that sent Me. (John 13:20)
    the word which ye hear is not Mine, but the Father’s which sent Me. (John 14:24)

    What to do?
    Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth My word, and believeth on Him that sent Me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life. (John 5:24)
    Then said they unto him, What shall we do, that we might work the works of God?
    Jesus answered and said unto them, This is the work of God, that ye believe on him whom he hath sent. (John 6:28,29)
    And brought them out, and said, Sirs, what must I do to be saved?
    And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. (Acts of the Apostles 16:30,31)
    But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?
    And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!
    For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother. (Matthew 12:48-50)
    And this is the Father’s will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.
    And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. (John 6:39,40)
    And this is the Father’s will which hath sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day.
    And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believeth on him, may have everlasting life: and I will raise him up at the last day. (John 6:39,40)
    Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. (Philippians 4:9)

    Peter’s sermon:
    Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:
    But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.
    The word which God sent unto the children of Israel, preaching peace by Jesus Christ: (he is Lord of all)
    That word, I say, ye know, which was published throughout all Judaea, and began from Galilee, after the baptism which John preached;
    How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him.
    And we are witnesses of all things which he did both in the land of the Jews, and in Jerusalem; whom they slew and hanged on a tree:
    Him God raised up the third day, and shewed him openly;
    Not to all the people, but unto witnesses chosen before of God, even to us, who did eat and drink with him after he rose from the dead.
    And he commanded us to preach unto the people, and to testify that it is he which was ordained of God to be the Judge of quick and dead.
    To him give all the prophets witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins.(Acts of the Apostles 10:34-43)
    Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;
    And he shall send Jesus Christ, which before was preached unto you… (Acts of the Apostles 3:19,20)

    What’s next?
    And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. (Matthew 24:14)
    He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. (Mark 16:16)

    The Second Coming of Jesus Christ:
    Which also said, Ye men of Galilee, why stand ye gazing up into heaven? this same Jesus, which is taken up from you into heaven, shall so come in like manner as ye have seen him go into heaven. (Acts of the Apostles 1:11)
    The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before that great and notable day of the Lord come… (Acts of the Apostles 2:20)
    And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.
    And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other. (Matthew 24:30,31)
    For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first… (1 Thessalonians 4:16)
    And have hope toward God, which they themselves also allow, that there shall be a resurrection of the dead, both of the just and unjust. (Acts of the Apostles 24:15)

    When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
    And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
    And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
    Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
    For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
    Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
    Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
    When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
    Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
    And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
    Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
    For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
    I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
    Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
    Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.
    And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal. (Matthew 25:31-46)
    And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world.
    He that rejecteth me, and receiveth not my words, hath one that judgeth him: the word that I have spoken, the same shall judge him in the last day. (John 12:47,48)

    For whom it is written:
    Then Peter said unto him, Lord, speakest thou this parable unto us, or even to all?
    And the Lord said, Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his lord shall make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of meat in due season?
    Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing.
    Of a truth I say unto you, that he will make him ruler over all that he hath.
    But and if that servant say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; and shall begin to beat the menservants and maidens, and to eat and drink, and to be drunken;
    The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers.(Luke 12:41-46)

    Eyewitness accounts:
    For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty. (2 Peter 1:16)
    For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures;
    And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:
    And that he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve:
    After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep.
    After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles. (1 Corinthians 15:3-7)
    Even as they delivered them unto us, which from the beginning were eyewitnesses, and ministers of the word… (Luke 1:2)

    The prayer of Jesus Christ:
    I pray for them: I pray not for the world, but for them which thou hast given me; for they are thine. (John 17:9)
    I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. (John 17:15)
    Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word… (John 17:20)

    Why is important?
    For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil. (1 Peter 3:12)

    Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown. (Revelation 3:11)

    Because Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. (Matthew 4:4)

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