Writing hasn’t been as joyous for me in a few weeks. I’ve been writing because it’s a discipline that’s important for me to maintain, but from an attitudinal standpoint, It’s turned into exactly what I didn’t want it to turn into. I’ve been writing because it has to get done. It’s not mindless, though, and I think that has something to do with why I’ve lost some of my fire for it. Every time I approach the page, I have to make a decision about if I’m going to be vulnerable. Am I going to be courageous?
Lately, I haven’t wanted to be either of those things. I’ve become a narrator of my days and not as reflective as I was in the beginning. As harder situations and circumstances have happened in my life, I haven’t been as transparent. Suddenly I began to think about who might read this and if I wanted certain things out in public. For me, there’s a line, but if I’m honest, I didn’t want to get into the details of the challenges of my relationships or my feelings about situations with my mom. I haven’t wanted to write specific things because I was concerned that my partner might read it and it would cause problems I didn’t want to have to deal with. I didn’t want my most vulnerable feelings to indict me. I didn’t want to have to defend my feelings. And I didn’t want to have to not defend my feelings if they were challenged. I didn’t want to deal with the silence I usually resort to when I feel that nothing I express will is of significance if it isn’t agreeable.
I have to make a choice about what I share, and I won’t share publicly, but the decision can no longer be because of fear or avoidance. I feel most free when I am writing, so there is no way I can continue to stifle myself on the page as well. In my quest to be courageous, this is just another area where I will need to choose courage. I enjoy writing the most when I’m free, and my head is not in the way. Life has been happening, but I’m not going down with the ship. I may have been off course for a few weeks, but I won’t remain off. Keep learning and growing.