After having such a long week with pain, I eventually recognized that I had some stress-related emotions. I wrote about those emotions last night. I expressed some of them today, and ultimately it came back to me. Life, after all, is just one long continuum of me being reflected back to me. So, every feeling, thought, emotion, action, reaction, decision, or lack of decision will always come back to me. It’s one of those inescapable universal truths. As they say, we came into this world alone, and we will leave alone. But now I know that we also live alone despite the people around us. All the interactions, relationships, and associations are about you or me—individually. They’re about the other person and not you or me. This is an individual journey, and it seems whatever beautiful and meaningful experiences I have are because they happened in my heart and my mind. Ultimately it has nothing to do with the other person. If I am fully free within myself, then others will benefit in the form of a shared experience, but even still, our experiences will still have only taken place in our hearts and minds, respectively. It is only our interpretation of the moment. You just give thanks if the interpretations align.
You know, I started writing on this docublog because I wanted to document my growth journey as I navigated my health, well-being, growth, and pursuit of my dreams. It’s now extended beyond those things just as I expected it would. It’s come down to what I’ve always known it would—my shit. My issues. My fear. My lack of vulnerability. My resistance. Yeah, my shit, like I said. There are so many things I don’t understand, and more and more every day, I realize that I never will, and I care less and less about it. It feels like some of my curiosity and wonderment will die along with it, but perhaps that’s the price. All I can do is my best at the end of the day. When I’m challenged and recognize I can do better, I will give my all to be better. My awareness of myself is growing but not as quickly as would be beneficial. A part of me shrugs my shoulders at that also. I knew this journey would be bumpy, but I didn’t expect to feel so elated on the one hand and exhausted on the other hand. I feel like because of my choices, I’m not in a position to focus on one thing without failure at another thing. Sometimes parts of the journey feels like an accelerated course.
If I committed to myself and being myself fully, this wouldn’t weigh as heavily. It probably wouldn’t even matter as much as the thought of it seems to matter. It may change everything, or it may change everything but not destroy everything. This has been a bunch of babble, and at the end of the day, everything comes back to me. That is both the blessing and cross.