Today is the first time that I almost forgot to write. I literally just got out of bed when I remembered I hadn’t written today. However, I guess it’s good that I’m writing now because I’m trying to sort out some feelings I have. I don’t have the emotional vocabulary. All I have is a bunch of past situations that are running through my head. They’re situations that demonstrate what I feel is a double standard and hypocrisy, then at the same time, I’m feeling lonely and like I’m on an island. I don’t’ feel affection, and that makes me feel sad. Yet, I’m also trying to make sure that I am not causing my own suffering and that I’m being accountable for my own feelings. Ultimately, I guess what I feel or don’t feel from others is irrelevant because I have to be able to give what I need to myself.
Lately, I’ve thought a lot about my past experiences, sort of remembering what contributed to me being my best and most authentic self, what didn’t and why. What I concluded is that there is the Krystal that cherished others being curious about the way my mind worked and how I communicate and celebrate that. The Krystal that felt at home being free to be my child-like self, being silly and saying ridiculous things, and it was met with laughter. The Krystal that could talk about the most unrealistic, idealistic, and fantastical things and receive full engagement from someone. The me that talked for 15 minutes straight, and it was heard, often met with questions and interest. The me that loved being admired and was thought to be interesting. The Krystal that felt she had something valuable and life-affirming to give to others, and so did they. These are all things that I got from others. This is how they made me feel. There is a lot of ego in this, I know. Nonetheless, this Krystal today and going forward has to learn to give those things to herself. I have to learn to give those things to myself, especially if I’m ever able to give all that to someone else if that’s what they want.
I also have to determine what is fair to desire and what is mine to give to myself. Am I not to desire anything? This feels like a spiritual question likely posed by wise men and women before me. And if my Jesus memories (what I was taught at least) are correct, he allowed his desires to be crucified—wanting nor desiring anything because he had everything. I feel like that is the message of all the enlightened ones. Well, my feelings are what they are tonight. But I have the gift of control over my own mind, so I can choose. I’ll choose to begin to allow this crucifixion of my ego and to feel for me and give me what I need.