This morning was a type of impromptu meeting of my two selves. The egoic self that is constantly thinking and the essential self that is still and simply exist. The conversation was persuasive in a way because thoughts like, “all that you need is already inside of you,” “I am confident,” “I am a part of all that is so I have no need” were rising up as I observed each of them. My egoic self trying to build itself up for what is ahead of me next week. It is my first academic teaching demo and interview at a university in my city. It’s scheduled for next week and I noticed that my mind is now in overdrive attempting to implant affirmations so that I feel confident and prepared to take on the opportunity. My essential self however was unmoved. I don’t recall any sense of anxiety or fear like I’m used to when I think of these things outside of meditation. The thoughts simply passed with what seemed to be a subtle nod of acknowledgement. It was delightful. I was enlightening. It was freeing.
As I write this the sense and feeling that I have is one of realization. Realization that to be really basic, things just really aren’t that serious. It’s a 15 minute teaching demo and interview for goodness sake. My egoic self is what is making it some grand event that has critical implications should this happen or that happen. It’s that part of me that has made this of great consequence. It’s not. My essential self realized that and the sense of calm and peace was never disturbed. But noticing the contrast alerted me to me. In the end this is about acceptance of what is. Not what might be or not be but simply what is. This is the substance of the essential self. The rest is just a headache.