Day 48: Processing Space

This journey is such a rollercoaster. One day I feel great, and the next, I feel like I don’t know where I’m going. I think what’s happening now is so many repressed emotions, thoughts, beliefs, insecurities, traumas, ideas, desires, and dreams are rising up all at once. On top of that, life is still going on.

I’ve tried to remain focused on my practices and let my daily writing be an outlet for what I’m feeling inside. That has worked to an extent. But so many nights recently, I’ve ended up writing myself into confusion, getting overwhelmed, and abandoning the writing all together. Building this routine into my life has made me feel like my time is already allocated for the day. I get up at 6 am, do my practices, and immediately go to my desk to begin work. I work until around 5 pm or 6 pm and make dinner. The next thing I know, it’s 8 pm or later. I’m always conscious of getting to bed at a reasonable hour because I have to get up so early, but I make sure I get my writing in for the day before going to bed. Usually, I’m tired while writing and not as mentally energized at night. Once I’m done, I want to just check out or go to sleep.

So that is what’s happening. The next thing is, how do I modify this daily routine, and what do I need to change about the way I think about it? I will say, It’s about 6:40 pm as I write, and it’s still daylight outside, and I feel much better writing right now than I have lately. I should probably make it a priority to write as soon after I get off as possible. I just realized that the issue of time came up in yesterday’s post, and I’m bringing it up again now. I’m making time, or a lack of time, my issue, which has been something I’ve complained about for years. I’ve always identified my job as the problem because it takes up 8-10 hours of my day Monday through Friday. I’ve been down this path enough to know that while my job does take up a considerable amount of my time, I won’t get anything out of making it a problem again. I can’t do that here. Have gratitude, Krystal.  

With that in mind, the primary thing here is that I need space to process these things coming up for me. No, correction, the primary question here is how I will create space—not time, to process what I need to. Stream of consciousness writing just came to mind. This was actually very good for me when I did it while going through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It doesn’t require a lot from me—not even my mind. It’s pure flow. It can also be random. I can do it while sitting on the toilet in the morning. I can do it on my lunch break. I can do it while in bed. What also just hit me was a subtle sense of excitement. This feels like an opportunity to color outside of the lines. I guess, in a way, I’ve missed some of the randomness and lack of structure. Maybe I need to find ways to allow myself some of that. Or perhaps my bad habits are also rising up. I don’t actually know right now. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I’m going to get my notepad and pen out, wait for the moment hit me, and see where my consciousness takes me.