I was myself today. I really felt it. I was authentically me. It felt a little odd because I’m not used to feeling so secure—especially not at work. It’s been a while since I heard myself speak and not get conscientiousness or downright critical. It was just a mental recognition. I felt it in my body. For lack of a better way to say it, I felt solid within myself. I was assertive and expressive, and there was no anxiety.
What was also really fascinating, as I was listening to the last episode of the podcast I worked on about Lauryn Hill, I heard the whole me show up at the very end of it. I spoke throughout the six episodes, but that was the only time I heard the full me. I heard a confident, passionate woman, desirous to express her point of view and thoughtful, not concerned about who was listening and what they might think or say.
And finally, I talked to one of my good friends this evening. We don’t talk as much as we should, but it’s as if we frequently talk when we do. I’m completely comfortable with her and have always felt free to express what I think, but today was different. I don’t know if it was different like the first time different, or different like not in a long time different, but I felt something inside that didn’t feel familiar. Now that I think about it, there are two parts to this.
On the one hand, I spoke every single thing that came to my mind during our phone conversation and never once thought about how it sounded or considered if it would be taken negatively. And on the other hand, I spoke the same way with no thought of if my partner would hear me. It didn’t matter to me for the first time since we’ve lived together. I’ve monitored myself when talking on the phone at home because I was concerned about saying something that would cause a negative perception to be formed.
Ultimately, this is just another way that I’ve shrunk myself trying to be what I thought someone else wanted me to be. Another way I’ve betrayed myself is by not being my full self and expressing the full range of my feelings—whatever they may be. I’ve made myself small trying to control how others view me. If I’m honest, I’ve done this very thing with everybody. If I am going to have relationships and friendships, I have to show up as my whole self. It isn’t fair to do otherwise. It’s dishonest, quite frankly. I don’t have to do that, and I never had to do that. I recognize that now.
This makes today that much more significant. With more awareness comes more work. I’m game, though.