Today was the first day of week 3 of tapping. It was the first time the practice brought tears to my eyes. This week’s tapping focus is opening up to what’s possible, and a part of that is acknowledging truths. One of the truths that I hadn’t given much consideration to was that I feel responsible for my autoimmune illness. There is a part of me that feels like it’s my fault. I didn’t expect to begin crying when I repeated after the instructor, “I am not to blame for my autoimmune disease.” The burning eyes and the tears welling up in my eyes let me know that I do blame myself. If I hadn’t gone on a vegetarian diet without knowing what I was doing, I probably wouldn’t have gotten so nutrient deficient. Or maybe if I had quit coffee earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have caused so much acidity in my body, or maybe the lining in my stomach wouldn’t have gotten damaged. And perhaps if I never got involved with Ray and took on so much of his ideology and energy, I wouldn’t have seemingly acquired every one of his symptoms. If only I wouldn’t have handled my stress better.
These thoughts have crossed my mind many times in the last six years, but I hadn’t thought about even how believing these things could stand in the way of my healing. If I blame myself, I am carrying guilt, shame, and frustration. Through tapping, I’m learning to make peace with my current condition and accept that it’s here instead of denying it, fighting against it, or in this case, beating myself up about it. I don’t know if the things I mentioned actually caused the autoimmunity or not, and it’s not what’s important. What’s important is that I acknowledged it and will forgive myself for my choices that didn’t support my well-being. I made those choices with the information I had available to me—knowing there are consequences though not the severity. In either case, I have to forgive myself if I am to move forward and put my mind, body, and spirit in a position to heal.
Throughout my life, I viewed tears (my tears) as a sign of weakness. Now I recognize them as a sign of cleansing and as a message. My tears identified the exact beliefs I need to let go of and the energy that needs to be cleared from my body. The body always knows the truth, even when the mind lies. I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful for the power of the truth.