What would the surrendered version of myself look like? What if this illness is a gift to awaken me into my highest self? My tapping instructor asked that I meditate on those questions in this morning’s session.
Firstly, I realized the word surrender has a very Christian connotation in my mind, and it conjured up ideas that made me uncomfortable. The way the instructor used the word was different from how I understood it in the past. Whenever I heard the word surrender before this morning, I immediately associated it with being made to do something against my will. This morning though, I heard it as choosing to let go. Before, I heard surrender as losing something, but I heard it as gaining something this morning; a personal choice and exercise of my God-given power. That was really unexpected, given that I didn’t even realize the word held such meaning for me. I love how now that I’m open and tuned in, giving my energy to growing and elevating new meaning is seemingly being delivered to me. I think this is an example of what the renewing of the mind looks like in real-time. I have so much gratitude for moments like this, especially at this point in my journey.
But the question that I pondered all day was, what if my illness is a gift to awaken me into my higher self. I hadn’t considered that. There are so many stories of people who’ve endured terrible tragedies and hardships, who came out of them as better people and in better situations. It’s the classic stories of triumph. That’s what I think of when I consider the idea of my illness as a gift. My situation doesn’t fall into that category, so my mind has never gone that far.
And it didn’t go that far today. What it did do is make me understand how a person transforms through challenging situations. I thought about the daily steps I’ve taken in just the last three weeks while walking the path of wellness and personal growth. I’ve found myself demanding more of myself, beginning to push myself beyond what I viewed as my limitations. I’ve started to want different things. My heart is beginning to open wider, and my mind is getting clearer. There is improved clarity of what’s actually happening in my life—the lies and delusions start to fall away, and for the first time, I’m grateful instead of ashamed. I appreciate the people who’ve loved me and been here for me the whole time. I see the future and myself in it—finally. And at random times, I have the very profound recognition that I’m just a little bit different than before. Small changes are happening, and I’m proud and excited for continued change.
I’m truly awakening. I’m not sure this would have been the case had I not gotten tired of feeling pain in my body. The effects of this illness have pushed me into things I probably wouldn’t have tried previously. I’ve tried to meditate for years and never took it on and never took it on as a practice. My experience with these things has opened my mind even more, and as a result, I’m becoming more of who I really am every day. My higher self. The gift.