Day 17: Growing Upstream

When I first got the idea for Growing Upstream 10 years ago, I knew what I wanted the content to be all about. I wanted to write about my process of growing in real-time. I wanted to document the ups and downs, the ah-hah moments, and the periods of utter confusion that I knew would come as part of my personal growth. The reason my vision never materialized is that I was not actually growing. I never committed to consistent effort toward my growth. I never committed to transparency. I never committed to vulnerability. I had head knowledge, a concept, and a vague idea of what I needed to do to grow into my potential. As a result, there was nothing for me to write that wouldn’t have just been my intellectual understanding of topics related to personal growth.

After a decade, I’m finally growing upstream. And it has, in fact, had its ups and downs already. I was floating when I first began this journey almost three weeks ago. I was in a state of bliss and exuberance from finding new spiritual practices that provided immediate results. It feels like it’s going to feel that way forever. But as predicted and as expected, growing doesn’t work like that. Life begins to happen again. The people, responsibilities, and challenges that exist in real life presented themselves—and so the process of growing upstream really begins. In the last week, I’ve been trying to remain in a state of awareness to make conscious choices to show up as the best version of myself. I failed many times over the last week, but having awareness in the midst of my failures gave me an opportunity to show up better the next time. I also had some victories, and those kept me encouraged. There were even times this week when I reflected on my day and recognized situations where I exhibited growth, even though not aware in the moment.

In the past, it’s been easy to interpret this period of my growth as just the time when all the things wrong with me is revealed. Interpreting my failures as signs of how much is really wrong with me. I suppose what I’m saying is what I suspected so many years ago about what real growth looks like is happening right now. So it’s making the struggle feel okay. It’s giving me a sense of comfort and belief. I’m growing, but it’s definitely upstream, not against some external resistance but against internal patterns and conditioning. I’m happy to be here. I’m genuinely growing, and I’m writing about the ups and downs of my growth.