Day 70: Ready, Set, Action…

For the third day in a row, I tapped on my fear of public speaking. I wanted to see if any memories would arise, but nothing did. Something else happened, though. When asked by the instructor if it is safe to let go of my fear, an image of me without my fear and I felt resistance in my chest. Not enough has changed how I see myself and who I’ve always imagined myself to be. I still have judgments about the image I have of myself without fear, and there’s a part of me that wants to hold onto the Krystal I know. But why isn’t it safe to let her go? I guess because I don’t know her. I don’t know what life would be like with her. What would the people in my life think of me? There’s so much unknown. I’ve gotten past seeing myself as a creative and only a creative. I’ve given up seeing myself as some wise and spiritual sage. The truth is I don’t yet see myself as someone who could speak confidently or be an authority on a particular subject. The idea that I would be someone that others would listen to or buy from seems unbelievable.

I’m glad this came up because there is no way that I can continue this way, given the things I’m looking to accomplish in my life now. This isn’t just about gaining more confidence, as I’ve thought. I have to reshape my self-image. I’m on the road because as I continue to keep my word to myself and see myself accomplish what I set out to, it’s caused me to see myself differently, so I know that I have to not only continue doing those things but also branch out. I have been playing with the idea of joining a Toastmasters chapter just to put myself in a position to expand myself, but I have been stalling. I think it’s time to go now because I realize my unwillingness to let go of my fears has stopped me.

This all comes back to action. Everything for me is about action at this point in my life, and I have to remember that. When I feel fear or uncertainty, I have to act in a way that requires me to face my fear head-on.