Day 42: Missing Tribe

The numbness wore off. I guess I slept it away or maybe the tapping and meditation did me some good. It may also be that I’m going on a short weekend vacation tomorrow, so today felt like the Friday before a three-day weekend. I’m sure everything combined got me back in my body and more present than I was yesterday.

Yesterday was a rough day. My emotions were all over the place, and I felt so many of them at once I couldn’t get clear. I argued with the person I love most on this earth outside of my family. I wasn’t my best self, and that was disappointing and frustrating. I felt anger and resentment but didn’t have an outlet. At least not the kind I wanted. I wanted to call someone and vent, but after randomly scrolling through my contacts, knowing there was no one to call, I was again hit with the reality that I don’t have that person. I used to have those people. They’re all gone now. One is no longer in my life, one passed away, and the other is in a different space, and the dynamics of our relationship have changed.

More than someone to call and vent to when my partner and I have a spat, the little scroll through my contacts shows just how small I’ve made my world. I’ve never been a person with many friends, but I’ve never been a person who didn’t consistently talk to anyone except my mom and my partner. I’ve isolated. This isn’t a new discovery, but it’s the first time I legitimately realized its unhealthiness. If my world is small, so too will my mind and experiences. So will be my opportunities to expand as a person, a creative, a writer, or anything else I would like to be. I also can’t share myself if I’m isolated. This is on me though. It’s up to me to expand my tribe.

After all, I have friends. People I care about and enjoy talking to and being around. We just haven’t kept in touch consistently. I could begin to reintroduce myself into their lives. I could call more. I can also make new friends, although that’s a more daunting proposition. The bottom line is that I have to open up and take the initiative for what I want in my life, including people I’ve had meaningful connections and relationships with. I can do that. I will do that.