I remember how much I enjoyed singing when I was a kid. I took it seriously too. I used all of the R&B singers of my childhood as my vocal coach. I even had the nerve to sing along with Whitney Houston. Nothing made me feel better than singing Whitney’s “I Have Nothing” from The Bodyguard soundtrack. It was something beautiful about that song. It made me think I understood love. Or maybe the urgency for love. I don’t know. All I know is that I resonated with it. Singing was such a release. One that I haven’t been able to duplicate with anything else. I remember turning on Whitney and so many others, pulling out my karaoke machine with my microphone in hand and my eyes closed, recording myself singing every lyric, writing my own songs, perfecting the melodies, searching for the perfect words, and feeling so accomplished when I finished them. That was pure. That was a joy. That was me.
These memories came to me when I sat down to write, and now I’m sitting here typing with a smile on my face with Whitney playing on my phone. I’m singing along too. This feels good. I didn’t know where this was going, but maybe it was just simply for me to feel the joy of singing and reminiscing on such a deeply intimate and creative period of my life. Often when I remember my childhood, I remember the worst times. Right now, I feel like I’m being reminded to recognize the best times of my childhood also—to feel the joy I felt back then. I feel like I’m remembering myself right now. I remember what it felt like to create uninhibited and to give no thought to what I feel, only that I feel and want to express. I really can’t stop smiling as I’m thinking about this. And now I’m knee-deep into a 90’s R&B playlist on YouTube.
Another funny part about this entry tonight is that I’ve thought about Growing Upstream as a relatively serious endeavor because it’s about healing, learning, and growing. Still, it can also be lighthearted, silly, or completely off-topic sometimes. I don’t have to walk away from these entries feeling like I just came out of an intense therapy session. My childhood singing and music memories came out tonight, and it’s is as much a part of the process as all the other stuff. I really have to start singing more. Now that I think about it, I was singing over the weekend. Maybe that is why this was in my spirit tonight. Either way, I’m glad that these memories came back to mind, and I was reminded of the good and the joy that I experienced in my childhood. I’m sure this isn’t the last of it.