When things are new, the excitement level is usually through the roof. And as I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I often fizzle out once that excitement wears off. My excitement is wearing off and I’ve noticed that I’ve been less engaged and anxious during my daily practices. The exuberance I felt afterwards has also waned a bit. Before the last couple days, I was amazed at how these practices impacted my sense of wellbeing. I was so excited to be committed to something and following through that I thought I would feel like that every day as long as I did my practices. But I’m realizing that it’s not the practices alone. They have to be accompanied by engagement, intention, open-heartedness, and definitely belief.
I’ve been going through the motions over the last couple of days more than I would like. It’s not even that I felt dread doing them, but my mind was so preoccupied with other things: work, health concerns, and the long list of things I needed to do. My days, again, started to feel like all the days before starting this routine, where I’m fatigued, mentally drained, and unmotivated. I felt nothing like I had been since starting this journey. Once again, I see how not having a reign over my mind can derail my growth. I wasn’t aware enough to bring myself back to a place of calm, balance, and perspective. I didn’t stop the stories I was telling myself at work that made my body tense up and cause muscle pain or headaches. In the evenings, I went to my practices, not intending to regulate my mental and emotional state, but with a desire to relieve myself only. That approach turned my practices into transactions instead of self-care practices, increased awareness, and a sense of wellbeing.
I’m grateful that I realized what was happening and that I gained more awareness because I want to make sure I don’t find myself going through the motions, just so that I can say I did what I said I was going to do. I’ve done that before, and the impact of what I was doing disappeared about halfway through. When I was done and everything was over, I eventually returned to a similar way of functioning. I want these practices and everything that I learn and experience to be means to help the real and full version of me unfold. My part is to be the captain of my life and observer of my mind, rather than the aimless participant in its wild exploits.
In the words of Napolean Hill, “I am grateful for the gift of control over my mind and ask [The All] for the guidance on how to use it best.”