I want to talk about meditation today. I extended my meditation time to 15 minutes today after having a strange but familiar experience a couple of days ago. Shortly before my 10-minute meditation session ended, I experienced what felt like a sudden projection into light. I had a very brief feeling of floating, but it was over the moment I became aware of what was happening. I was back to my everyday conscious awareness seeing all black. I don’t claim to know what that was or if it was anything at all. Maybe I fell asleep and woke up suddenly, or I simply got lightheaded. But what I know is that I’ve had that experience while meditating before, and it happening again—specifically at this point in my life—is way more meaningful.
See, I felt fear the two or three times that I’ve had this experience. I distinctively remember each time it happened; I felt fear because it felt like there was no ground below me and nothing to hold onto. It was as if I didn’t still feel tied to the material world, and that scared the shit out of me, honestly. It’s sort of like when you almost consciously shake yourself out of a bad dream. That is what I did all of the previous times. I felt that sense of detachment and saw the light, and retreated. When it happened the other day, I got curious. I wondered if it would happen again if I meditated longer. So today, I pushed my time up to 15 minutes.
Here is why doing so was meaningful. First of all, it happened again. I think it only happened again because I had forgotten about it by the time I got into the meditation, so I didn’t expect anything to happen. I think the flood of all my other thoughts distracted me. The lesson for me is that when you lose your attachment to outcomes, you actually get to have authentic experiences that integrate into our being versus just living in our memories. The door opens for the biggest of possibilities to walk through. That door is slammed shut and locked because if there’s only one outcome, then that means there is only one key. I know that if all I had been looking for was to have that experience during my meditation, it wouldn’t have happened because I wouldn’t have been open to it or anything else happening. My thinking would have gotten in the way.
That leads me to what actually happened and the last reason why meditating longer today was meaningful. Comfort zones are outlined in fear. We live in them, and if we leave for a minute or are pushed out, we return them as fast as possible. Remove the outline of fear, and the comfort zone dissolves. The previous times I had this experience while meditating, I retreated because I was afraid of what I saw and felt. I even had old religious beliefs that popped into my mind that explained, not of what it was, but what would be the consequence of allowing myself to experience it. And that fact alone is profound to me because the fear that caused me to abandon the experience had nothing to do with any knowledge of it, but what bad might happen as defined by others.
So today, when it happened again during meditation, I told myself to let go, but even that thought caused it to cease. I accepted that and returned to my breath. Sometime later, it happened again, but this time I didn’t give any thought or attention to it. I just continued to feel my breath. I allowed myself to feel insecure and trusted that what was happening. I honestly don’t have a recollection of what happened after that. I don’t remember my breathing beyond that point. All I know is that the timer went off, and I opened my eyes. It felt like I was gone for a little while, almost like waking up after you’ve been asleep. I did feel extremely clear and calm and somewhat refreshed. I could also feel the sensations throughout my body. I sat on the floor and just gently breathed until I was ready to get up. Then I eventually wrote this. What I also appreciated was how stable and aware I felt while writing. That is a writer’s dream.
So, yes, mediation is good. What’s even better is what you get to see of yourself while inside.