Wheew! Today has been all over the place—primarily due to work. I’m writing because I want to, even though I don’t have anything pressing to get off my chest. I figure something will just flow out of me as I type this. What just came to mind is the fact that I actually had energy after a long grueling day at work. I’m usually mentally exhausted after days like today.
I made a video for the podcast series my partner and I are dropping tomorrow. I had to get it done tonight, so I did have some motivation. I thought I could knock it out quickly, but I struggled with what to say, and not surprisingly, I was really conscious of how I looked. I fiddled with my locks to get them to fall just right. I adjusted my phone over and over again to capture myself at just the right angle to make my face look slimmer. I even put on my stylish glasses because I thought they made me look cooler than the ones I wear every day. Once I got my look to a place that I could tolerate, I stumbled through trying to freestyle the video. Then I struggled writing it out. I wanted to sound natural, but I also wanted to be thoughtful. I must have recorded what turned out to be a 55-second video 100 times, literally. I wound up freestyling and stumbling over my words, then refining what I came up with by writing it down. It turned out pretty good.
I had a long and heavy conversation with my mom, which I usually avoid after a long day. I don’t typically have room mentally to take on long conversations about family issues. I usually put the phone call off until I have the space. Even though the conversation was heavy and even saddening, I didn’t hang up feeling drained. I felt as energized as I did when the conversation started.
I felt light enough to spend a little quality time with my partner before sitting down to write this. It was just long enough to check in after a long day and short enough to give myself a chance to honor my commitment. I didn’t feel like writing was something I had to do tonight. I wanted to write. I wanted to see what would come out since I didn’t have anything specific on my mind. There’s no breakthroughs or revelations today.
You know? Maybe that’s not completely true.
I just realized I broke a pattern today. I didn’t do it consciously either. It’s deeper than just being productive after work for once. I somehow didn’t let work zap me of all my energy and cause me not to do the things I wanted to do. I didn’t let my frustrations from work occupy so much of my mind and emotions that I didn’t have enough left to both be creative and offer affection and love to my partner. I didn’t let the things I didn’t get done, the things I screwed up today, and the things I struggled to understand, make me want to escape once the day was over. I did things today that I don’t normally do. At this moment, I’m realizing that because I did something I don’t normally do, I got a result I don’t normally get. That’s change. That’s different. That’s a step off the insanity wheel. That’s what’s possible if I do it again tomorrow. And again the next day, when what I want most right now is to feel well, and happy, and energized, and to have indescribable joy flowing through my entire body. Wheeew! Today!!