Tonight I’m strictly writing because I want to remain consistent. It’s a little different than wanting to just to say I wrote today, which I’ve wanted to avoid. It’s really about me wanting to keep the momentum I’ve been building. I don’t want to risk anything interrupting that. I am noticing shifts in myself that I really like, and I want to see how much I can improve myself and my life. I want to know what it feels like to have trust and confidence in myself. What would I feel like each morning that I wake? I want to feel a high level of energy every day. What could I get accomplished day-to-day? What could I create? What ideas could I bring to life? I imagine I could love more fully. Wholehearted. I suspect giving would become a part of me, not just something I do. It’s actually something I don’t do enough.
A daily writing routine leading to such big ideas and possibilities would have sounded far-fetched to me before, but it feels absolutely possible. I’ve heard people say that confidence comes from the disciplined work one puts in consistently. When it’s time to do what’s needed, that person Is confident because he or she is prepared. They are ready for the moment, the assignment, the opportunity. It’s always made sense to me, but it makes more sense now. It’s hard to fully embrace a statement like that if you’ve never been consistent or disciplined long enough to see if it’s true. It’s just theory. But I get it now. My confidence is growing just from having a routine and carrying out what I say I will.
Even as I’m writing, I’m smiling a little because I’m enjoying writing at this moment. Not everything is perfect in my life, but I’m just happy to be writing. I’m finding joy in the smallest things, even amid my struggles. Just tonight, my nervous system started going crazy because I got myself all worked up and stressed out about the pain I was feeling, and IRS bill, and a specific health issue I’m dealing with. But instead of giving in entirely to the meltdown, I meditated for 30 minutes with deep breathing. I talked out my frustrations, and I showered. Not surprisingly, the pain I was feeling went away. It’s difficult to express just how big of a deal that is for me. I know that is due to what is being developed through my practices and routine. I’ve never felt this capable of dealing with myself.
So yeah, this I why it was important for me to write tonight. I’m happy I did.